The End Of Me
by Simply Emotional
Summary: I always believed that what I stood for was justice, I guess I was wrong, or maybe a certain panda eyed detective was always right.
1. Prologue

Prologue

Ever since the day I was born, I have been filled with a righteous sense of judgment. Maybe it was just my pride that made me believe I could play God, or maybe it was the thought of being able to go above my standards, not that I ever had any. I wanted a world clean of evil, was that such a terrible thing to ask for, was it such a sin? Death, destruction, it all was the only way to obtain the perfect world; it was the only way I could make my dream a reality.

When I started, this world was coated in a thick crimson, the air tainted with the bloodshed that spread across the land. My past was different from what they ever thought, I was never the person they believed I was. An honor student? I was that indeed, but there was so much more to my figure that no one ever knew. L. That one simple letter was the one person that understood who I was more than anyone.

It was him that I knew understood me. I hated him. I hated L. Somewhere though, deep in my heart, not in Kira's, but somewhere in Light Yagami's heart, he could never hate L. He loved L. As a companion, as a friend. He was the only one on Light Yagami's level, the only one who truly interested him; the only one he figured would pose a threat to Kira. There were other threats, yes, but none of them as big of a threat as L ever was.

Light knew that, me, Kira knew that. Yet still, I never could bring myself to kill the panda eyed detective. Maybe I'm just insane; maybe I got too lost in those eyes. Maybe, it was all in my head. They say Kira is a murderer, they say Light is a student working along side L. Who am I really? Am I Kira, or am I Light. No, I couldn't be Light. That name, it's pure, it's bright. That name lights up the darkness. Kira. Kira is who I am. That name means killer, and that's all I'll ever be.

In my own thoughts, I'm trapped, cornered. He stares at me, and I know he can see through my façade. He can see that I'm fighting with myself, he can tell that I want him dead, yet I can't kill him all at the same time. In the end, I guess what I really felt for the detective, was love.


	2. The Day the Panda Smiled

Chapter 1: The Day the Panda Smiled

It hurt, the pain from the small needle I had in my watch, but I smiled as I saw him die. Another man, another human life that meant little to nothing to me. I had the Death Note back, my memories were back, it was all coming together. "Light-kun, are you alright?" I turned to face L, the detective I was comfortable with, my greatest enemy. It took me a minute to respond, but I simply smiled a smile that I had worked on for years. "Of course." I said simply, my smirk seemed far too usual for his taste. I saw it in his eyes, that he wanted a more detailed answer. That was L for you, always searching for more information. Kira was L's favorite topic, Kira was his obsession, and Kira was going to be his utter downfall.

As soon as everything cleared up, we sat side by side in a quiet darkening room. My eyes darted from my computer screen to his face as I frowned in distaste at his poor posture. His knees were pulled to his chest in his normal 'L' pose, and he was nibbling on his thumb. I had to wonder if one day he might bite his thumb off by accident. As I glanced back at my computer, I had to stifle a laugh at the picture on the desktop. I wanted so bad to say, "Hey L, it's you," but I didn't. I simply held it inside. A small panda sat on a tiny log on my desktop, and the comparison to L was almost startling.

It was true, he did have panda eyes. Large and round with dark circles under them like he hadn't slept in days, which knowing L, he probably hadn't. "Why does Light-kun keep looking at me with a creepy smile?" I snapped out of my thoughts, looking over at him. "What do you mean, Ryuzaki?" I asked, and watched him shift slightly under my gaze. "Your Kira percentage just went up ten percent." I glared at him, "What the heck?" L glanced over at me then, for the first time his eyes moved from the white computer screen before him. "Kira-kun is plotting ways to kill me while I am most vulnerable."

"That's a ridiculous assumption, Ryuzaki." I muttered, looking back at my screen. I wish I had been thinking about that instead of pondering about his stupid panda eyes. "Is it?" L asked, almost as if he was expecting me to answer, but he immediately returned to his computer screen, his eyes shifting through the information on the Kira case no doubt. Sighing, I leaned back in my chair, closing my eyes. I hadn't slept in days due to the incessant typing I heard from the other side of the bed all night. I hate that laptop; I hate it with a passion.

I felt sleep claw at me, digging it's sharp teeth into my skin, claiming me as I slept. My dreams were filled with frightening images, but I didn't wake up. No, these dreams happened often, I was used to it, God was used to it. I felt something shift strangely into my dreams, thoughts of Ruik laughing, and apples. "Stupid Ruik." I thought, moving slightly, my eyes shooting open as I hit the ground. I rubbed my head; I had fallen off the chair again. That had been the third time that week. "Who is Ruik?" I heard a voice say, though it seemed irrelevant at the moment. Glancing up, I saw it was none other than L that had asked the question. The rest of the task force had the whole freakin day off, leaving me with this evil poor posture man all day.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I told him, not a trace of a lie in my voice; though under that composure, I was panicking. It felt like I was replaying one of those sweat drop anime faces in my head over and over again. "You do to, you talk in your sleep." My face turned pink, did I really? How embarrassing. "No I don't!" I snapped at him, sitting back in my chair, sighing. At least I wasn't handcuffed to him anymore, that evil Ryuzaki and all of his torture. I swear I almost died, having to watch him eat all of those sweets everyday made my stomach twist, giving me a terribly sick feeling.

Died. Death. Dying. What do those three words really mean? I can't die, Kira can never die, Kira isn't human. I know that and yet those three words…they scare me beyond belief. I kill every day, I watch people die, see images of their faces, and yet…it still scares me to think that I'll die. I was curious, wanting to ask Ruik what my lifespan was, but he would refuse to tell me anyway, like he had said a long time ago. "So, who is Ruik?" I heard L ask again. "He's my friends dog." I told him boredly, my eyes scanning my laptop. "That's a strange name for a dog, and as far as I'm concerned, you don't have many friends." I groaned, rubbing my eyes. "Shut up, Ryuzaki."

Time continued to pass; the only sound was the clicking of keyboards. Finally at one o' clock, Ryuzaki said we should go to sleep. I brushed my teeth, and using swift yet gently strokes, I brushed my hair quickly. I was a perfectionist, it was one of my worst flaws, not that I had any really. Lying down on my side of the bed, I turned to him, expecting him to have his laptop out, but today he didn't. Strange, I thought. He was actually lying down, not sitting in his awkward position while he normally worked. "Hey, Light." I blinked, surprised by his lack of an honorific. "Yeah?" I said, slightly bored, but paying intent attention to this unusual behavior.

"Do you like me?" L asked softly, and I was taken aback by the question. "You're a psychotic sweet eating, panda imitating, case solving machine. How could I not like you, L?" I said sarcastically, but he didn't see the humor in that. "Yes, I like you as a friend, L." I told him honestly, and I found myself amazed at my own words. Did I? Did I really? Somewhere in my heart, I found my words were true, that my mask had slipped for a few seconds without me even realizing it. That was when I saw L do something I never thought was possible for him.

He smiled. That idiotic chibi panda, had actually smiled, and it was all because of me.


	3. Through The Looking Glass

Chapter 2: Through the Looking Glass

The morning was strange, yet peaceful. Everything went by quietly, L never saying a word to me, just typing away on his laptop. "Ryuzaki?" I said, attempting to get his attention. "Hmmm?" He murmured, not really paying attention. "Can we go somewhere today?" I asked, keeping my voice even, nonchalant. "Your Kira percentage just went up fifteen percent." I glared at him, "What is it this time, L?" I demanded, and saw him give a drawn out sigh. "Kira-kun would want me to go somewhere isolated with him, so that he could kill me." He stated plainly, and I watched his emotionless eyes. "You're just too paranoid, L."

"That is what Kira would say." I sighed. I just couldn't win. It felt like we simply sat there, listening to the sound of the keyboard, both at ease with the silence. "Okay fine, how about you can bring Watari along, and we'll stop by a candy shop. I just need to get out of here for a while." I said, and what greeted me was utter silence. Not even the annoying clicking of keys was heard, and then suddenly, L's eyes met mine. "That is a deal I will agree with, Light-kun." He said, and I smiled, time for my plan to go into action.

There really was only one reason for me wanting to get out. The main reason being that, with L away from his desk, and the task force not coming in for another two hours, it gave me enough time to figure out more about the psycho panda. I knew him like the back of my hand, but there was so much more to him than the letter that represented him so well. Soon enough, Watari was waiting outside with the car, and I followed L in, sitting beside him. I stared out the window, watching the scenery change. Why couldn't life be like that?

"What exactly is Light, thinking about?" L asked, and I turned to look at him. "Nothing." I had said it too fast; let my voice slip slightly, making some of my curiosity play into my words. I pretended nothing had happened, and simply continued staring out my window, my eyes tracing the trees. I felt cornered somehow, as if instead of leading L to his death I was leading me to mine. I was trapped, I knew. Like a butterfly caught in a spider web with no chance of escape. Words ran through my head miraculously, scenes playing themselves out, with humans as the chess pieces.

"Forgive me." I heard myself say, those words ringing in the air of that fateful day so many years ago. I could see him, watch him fall to the ground, watch the world around me spin. I was three at the time, watching my father slaughtered before my very eyes. My name wasn't always Yagami, I had once gone by another name. I was adopted all of those years ago by the one family that pitied me most. A crime had been committed, blood had been spilled, images carved into my brain. I wanted to kill him, so much that I thought I was going to go mad. That night I did though, I murdered the man who slaughtered my family. I started playing God by the age of four. It was my favorite game. My humor was twisted from them; never exactly what a person would believe was okay, or civilized. No, my humor scared them. I found death funny, how someone could be there one second and gone the next. It all seemed so chanced, so playful, something you could manipulate.

"Light-kun, we're here." My head snapped in L's direction, awakening me from my thoughts. "Oh…" I murmured uselessly, Watari opening the door and letting us out. "Candy Time?" I asked, looking over the large light up sigh in front of the store. "Of course." L said, and I shrugged, following him inside. By the time I even blinked, L was carrying twelve bags of candy to the register. "Is there anything that Light-kun might want?" He asked, but I went to shake my head, stopping half way. There on the shelf, twelve feet away sat a small wooden box. My hand shook, I could feel what was in it from here, and it emanated from the walls.

"Sorry, there isn't anything I want, Ryuzaki." I said softly, my eyes never leaving the box. I must have seemed suspicious, but I didn't care as I ignored Ryuk. "Ryuk, does the cashier have a Death Note?" I asked, my voice barley audible as L paid. "I have no reason to tell you, but yes, I suppose she does." I smiled, my lips pulling back into what could only be described as a Cheshire grin. This trip just got a little more interesting.

"We're going, Light-kun." I nodded, thinking of a way I could let the cashier know about me. Walking up to her, I gave her a flirty smile, watching her giggle like the girlie girl I knew she was. "Why hello there, beautiful." I whispered, writing what was supposed to be my number down on the card and turning it over as I handed it to her. "Call anytime." I said, turning to walk out of the store, watching L's annoyed and curious glare as we got into the car. This was all much easier than I thought. "Light-kun is a flirt." L muttered, and I glared at him. "Just because I can get girls, and you can't, doesn't mean you should be mean, Ryuzaki."

That seemed to shut him up, seeing as he was quite the rest of the ride home. I was tired when we reached the front door of the massive so called 'hotel'. You could just call it, my prison, Kira's prison. Even the walls were dull as I walked down the hallways, giving it the whole barricaded effect. I walked past my 'father' and the idiots of the task force, making my way up the stairs. "I'm taking a shower." I muttered before walking into our shared bedroom, shutting the door behind me. I knew there were cameras in here; I wasn't stupid enough to do anything reckless while on camera. I simply walked into the bathroom, the only place where I had privacy, my sanctuary.

I leaned against the counter, pulling out my cell phone. I knew that L might be eavesdropping on my calls, but I simply didn't care, she wouldn't say anything about Kira. "Hello?" I asked, slightly smug. "Hello, Light." The girl said, her voice matching the girl from earlier. "I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date?" My lips pulled into a grin, and I had to stifle a laugh of victory. "Sure, when?" I heard her reply, " 3:30 today at the park." I smiled, "Of course, I'll see you there." Taking a quick shower, I got dressed, walking out into the investigation room. "Hey Ryuzaki, my…girlfriend just called, she wants to have a date. I'm going to be gone, I'll be back later." L turned around on his swivel chair. "How do I know your not going to go somewhere else?" Light sighed, "You already have a tracker in my phone don't you? I'm going to the park for a simple date, please trust me on this, L. No cameras or taps." I said sternly, my eyes matching his. "Fine, but there is going to be one tap in your phone, no cameras." I glared at him, my eyes piercing his. "Fine."

I made my way to the park, sitting on a bench surrounded by trees. I waited patiently, tired and bored. Misa hadn't been much help, but as long as she continued killing people, it didn't matter what she did. "Ummm Light?" A small wavering voice said, and I looked up at the girl before me.


End file.
